A Turkish Bath in Istanbul

Today I woke up and decided it was time to see what all this Turkish bath hype was all about. I've been seeing dozens of fliers all around Istanbul advertising their services. From what I had gathered, a lot of these hamam's (Turkish baths) were catered toward tourists and were bleached of authenticity. Opting for a more local experience, I searched hard on the Internet. I wanted to find an authentic local hamam.... with no tourists. The touristy Turkish Baths were charging around 50 euros. The local one I found cost 10 euros. Hurray! Kudos to this penny pincher!



After studying a map, I tucked my bikini in my purse and set off on foot. I was looking forward to being pampered after enduring the cold, wet Istanbul weather for the past few days.


With the help of my map and some friendly locals, I finally arrived at Kocamustafapasha Hamami after an hour of walking. I was far from the touristy part of town at this point. This was a good thing.


I'll be honest, on my walk to the hamam, I was feeling a little nervous about the whole thing. I didn't know quite what to expect.


There was a sign above the door and a small hallway leading to an opaque glass door. It seemed like it needed no explanation to the locals because there were no signs on this door.


I opened the door and entered a whole new (WEIRD) world. I'm instantly hit with the smell of cigarette smoke and see several bare breasted Turkish woman lounging around the room. They looked at me like I was the naked one. I quickly shut the door, fearing a man on the street might see one of them naked. I awkwardly waved and said "hi". My eyes dart around for some kind of front desk. There is none. One of the old ladies yells something in Turkish through one of the doorways and a plump woman with dyed red hair comes scurrying out. There was obviously a language barrier, but she did know the word "lady". She ushers me into one of the small changing rooms and gestures for me to remove my clothes.

I change into my swimming suit and exit shortly after, feeling smug in my stylish Victoria Secret bikini. I felt over dressed for the occasion. Everyone else was wearing only their old worn out granny panties.

Next, I'm given a small plastic dish with a bar of soap and directed through another door. The woman yells "lady!" and motions for me to wash myself with the soap and wait for her. As I pass through this second door, I'm hit by a suffocating humidity. I see more naked woman, each sitting next to their own grayish marble sink. Here comes the new girl.....

There were absolutely no tourists inside and these ladies were all definitely Turkish.
This hamam looked like it was at least a few hundred years old. This was exactly what I was looking for. The ladies scrubbed their round bodies lazily as they gazed up at me. They were at least 20 years older than me. There were no signs of embarrassment as they bummed around with their exposed boobs. It's a good thing I'm a nurse and no stranger to nudity. This may be shocking to a gal with an office job.


Every single one of them was overweight, their breasts were like heavy pendulums hanging past their belly buttons. They had rolls where I didn't even know you could have rolls. Suddenly, I felt like a supermodel. It felt like I was walking a runway as I sauntered through the steamy hot room to find an open marble sink. I met their stares with a warm smile. They smiled back. There was a huge contrast between their saggy ta-ta's and my man-made mounds.


The sink had 2 spickets, one hot and one cold. I turned both of them on to create a warm bath for myself. I watched the others and copied them, pretending I knew what I was doing. I lathered up generously, then used the plastic dish to rinse off. The nude lady next to me offered me her shampoo.


There was a heated raised marble platform in the middle of the humid room. I hoisted myself onto it, like I had seen the others do. I yelped from the hotness of the stone and all the ladies in the room laughed at me. It seriously hurt though. I slowly adjusted to the heat and laid contently on my back, looking up at the ancient domed ceiling with cut out stars.


I was perfectly at peace and felt entirely relaxed almost instantly. I pretended I was laying on a beach in Greece. The Turkish chatter around me echoed off the walls as the constant trickle of water from the sinks lulled me to sleep. I stayed in this blissful state for about 20 minutes until I heard the woman say "lady!" I jumped at the sight of her. She was standing next to me. She had jumped on the bandwagon and was wearing only her underwear now. They were large..... and bright red. My eyes moved upwards and I see her rather large droopy boobs hanging out.

She had a scrubber mitt on one of her hands. She came at me with it and and started scrubbing my stomach fiercely. I started giggling and curled into a ball. After I composed myself, I apologized and then got a thorough rub down. Honestly, it was a little painful to have my epidermis rubbed off by this nude stranger. I was flipped over and given a rough exfoliation on my backside. She must have decided my bikini top was getting in the way, because she quickly pulled the bow string and off it came. Ok, I guess, since everyone else is letting it all hang out.


I looked down to see a pile of skin, resembling eraser shavings, laying on the marble table. Eww, that's my dead skin, I thought. I really needed this bath.


I feel a strong slap on my butt as she motions for me to turn over. I obey out of fear. She grabs what looks like a thin pillow case dipped in soap. She filled it with air and squeezed it to produce a bunch of bubbles and spread them over me. I squirmed and laughed as the bubbles tickled my neck. She gave me a full body massage. My body went limp on the hot slab. Ahhhh. I should do this more often.


She instructed me to sit on the table. I sat up and pulled my legs in close to my chest, trying to cover myself. She wrestled my arm from me and started washing it with more soap bubbles. Her boobs bounced against my knees as she scrubbed my arms. I tried not to laugh. After that part was over, she poured buckets of water over me to wash off the suds.


I was then free to lounge around with the old naked Turkish ladies as long as I wanted.
I didn't feel like "hanging" around too much longer. So I got dressed, tipped the woman and waltzed out the door. Walking past the worn out Turkish ladies smoking cigarettes. I felt squeaky clean, refreshed and rejuvenated. My skin fresh and pink.


As I walked back to my hostel, I thought, what a job that woman has! She bathes obese old ladies all day, kinda like I did as an aide. Except her uniform isn't scrubs, it's a pair of big bright red underwear.... and nothing else ;)

P.s. Of course I have no photos from this racy experience. C'mon, this is a family blog!